so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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