I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
