some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
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words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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