The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
