in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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