Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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