We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
where are my eyebrows?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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