His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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