I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
