How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hippo gnu deer
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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