Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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