anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
