A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
