he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
