I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
