I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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