I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
