true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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