We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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