she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
