Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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