It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
