Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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