Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
