I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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