I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
