What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
