There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
