I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
