may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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