i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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