I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
