I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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