after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
