I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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