zippers are such a cool invention
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
