If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
