**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
