Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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