I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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