I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's blow job season.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
