I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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