I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
