I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
