So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
