DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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