weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
