All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
