i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
