I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize