I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
