Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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