I faked an abortion last night.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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