The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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