I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
